NOT the MotoGP News: How do you find out if a girl is ticklish? Give her a test-tickle

Welcome to NOT The MotoGP News – our blog by Guy Anderson. Oh – and when you’re done, make sure to go follow Guy on Twitter – @SirGuyGuisborne

The very first time we heard that MotoGP was going to Qatar we used Google to find out more about the country. And top of the hits back then was this link https://www.cia.gov/library/publications/resources/the-world-factbook/geos/qa.html. Yep! The CIA’s very own web site.

The second time Qatar was really in the news was when ITV (a British chav news channel) pondered out loud about guitars and gutters https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q871D_5KSqI We know how to stay classy in this country. No Donald Trump here!

So basically to some it’s a country to be taken seriously and to us its not. But it’s a rich old place with lots of oil and – as a bastion to fossil fuel burning bikes – Carmelo isn’t going to pass up a chance to pootle off to warmer climes at this time of year. The fact that the race takes place in the night has never been lost of us. Nor the fact that Alex “the living dead” Barros doesn’t race anymore. Sinister? You should cocoa.

Pramac will be firing up their generators after losing the Ducati satellite team sponsorship and hoping to blind their former colleagues on the Ducs. We’ve worked out there’s enough fuel burnt powering those generators to get a Honda around the world so long as it doesn’t suffer an electronics fault.

We’re thoroughly sick of testing now; if it doesn’t work by now, it won’t ever work. What we really want to see is racing and racing means Rossi, Lorenzo and Marquez slugging it out in some sort of weird erotic love tryst. Let’s be clear here; if we weren’t fans of racing we’d assume they were each vying for the attention of each other. “He fancies you.” is pretty much what we can recall from the playground when we were kids. Hopefully once the testing out of the way we can look forward to more of the same from the last part of last season. Its all too easy to avoid your rival during testing, but in a race? No way!

Anywho, here’s our run down of this season’s MotoGP riders.
Of course its might all be bollocks…

Andrea Dovizioso – off to Suzuki next season
Stefan Bradl – off to WSBK next season
Hector Babera – off to the opera next season
Danilo Petrucci – giving up that “film” career he had in the seventies now he’s got so good.
Alex De Angelis – like Back to the Future he’s proven time travel does exist; already gone to WSBK this season
Alvaro Bautista – the only Spanish rider who is blond. And sometimes wears a top-knot. It’s not looking good is it?
Maverick Viñales – God-like ability coupled with street-like anonymous looks. Will be rich beyond his wildest dreams by the end of this season.
Dani Pedrosa – the only Alien who maintained any dignity last season. Didn’t win him a WC though did it. Bridesmaid status unlikely to be troubled
Andrea Iannone – Lambo-driving quiet guy away from the track. Closest thing Italy has to Viñales.
Cal Crutchlow – off to rob a bank next season. Or Suzuki.
Bradley Smith – off to start a Communards tribute band next season
Aleix Espargaro – off anywhere next season if not before
Jack Miller – off to the pub. If Honda don’t get Vinales, Miller is their next big thing.
Pol Espargaro – ditto his brother
Scott Redding – off to the tattooists’
Valentino Rossi – off to his tenth title, unless the other two get in the way. But maybe.
Eugene Laverty – off to the TT
Tito Rabat – will wear out more seats doing more laps testing than anyone else
Yonny Hernandez – off to Columbia for a coffee
Loris Baz – off to Tall and Mighty
Marc Marquez – if Honda don’t give him the bike he needs, he’s off to Yamaha
Jorge Lorenzo – off to start his own TV production company filming his crib. Ahem.