Welcome to NOT The MotoGP News – our blog by Guy Anderson. Oh – and when you’re done, make sure to go follow Guy on Twitter – @SirGuyGuisborne
As we’re totally bored by British TV over Christmas and the New Year, we thought we’d try and recall the sunny, hot days of the 2016 MotoGP season. Now we know that we’re not often bothered by facts and figures and as for being accurate we’re a bunch of feckless fools. But Gareth the editor is holding a gun to the head of a kitten, so we feel duty bound to save the kitty’s life.
Most web sites would do a simple copy’n’paste review of the season whilst drinking a glass of beer or eating cheese. And if it’s good enough for the professional web sites then it must be good enough for us too.
So here goes! A review of the runners and riders in order of their final positions in the 2016 championship. Some of it may be trite, some of it may be useless and hopefully a little of it will be interesting.
Marc Marquez. If he had been dealt an ‘o’ in his Scrabble hand he would have been Marco and therefore Italian. Curiously blessed with the looks of The Joker from the sixties TV series Batman, Marquez didn’t dominate, but did more than enough to win by a fair old whack. He also made HRC look a bit daft by reverting to the 2014 chassis
Rossi. There are no words good enough to describe Rossi’s career, but we might manage to describe his season. He is without doubt the rider with the most experience, but surrounds himself with non-bike related idiots. The Yamaha team is an expert, professional team, but the Rossi entourage is as much use as a under-inflated Michelin rear tyre. But he nearly pulled it off, so hats off to him.
Lorenzo. Rubbish yet brilliant, and good enough to beat all but two. Probably not the most mentally fragile rider, but most certainly the one who lets it show the most. There are two Jorges; fast Jorge, and useless Jorge. And yet he has either the confidence or ego to jump ship from one of the best bikes onto a Ducati.
Viñales. He won one! And is about to give Rossi the biggest headache of his career as he joins Yamaha. The choir boy looks and no-nonsense attitude won plaudits from all. As yet, we can’t find any reason to tease him but we’re trying hard. Ah yes, that moustache……… ahem.
Dovisioso. If he wasn’t such a good guy we’d be onto him with unmerciful haste. But he also won one too (1-1-2?), and managed to retain his seat at Ducati when it would have been all too easy for him to be riding a Suzuki in 2017. His biggest problem all season was limp-wristed car-window breaker Andrea Iannone who took Dovi out for no real reason other being an idiot. And wanting to win.
Pedrosa. At the end of the 2015 season, just about 99% of neutral spectators thought that Dani would reap the seeds of being the equivalent of a sporting gentleman. In 2016 the title was surely his at last. Yeah right. Being too small means being unable to get the heat into those Michelins and that means goodnight Vienna. And like Lorenzo, Dani hit the deck too often to offer any real threat to the title. The Honda man will be a Honda man again in 2017.
Cal. Perfectly balanced; a chip on both shoulders or just a misunderstood, wicked sense of humour? He won one too! Two in fact! And is still feared by 99% of British bike journalists if not feared by the grid. He probably is by most of them too. His hand signals are now legendary and the Royal Navy is looking to use him in a video about semaphore signaling.
Pol. Almost invisible……
Andrea Iannone. Sacked by Ducati for just being as mad as a box frogs whilst knocking Dovi off and scuppering his title chances, Andrea got more attention for locking his car keys in his car and then taking too long to break in to his own car. He one won too! He really thinks he is a bad mofo, but like Lorenzo has more personalities than really helps his chances. Beaten by Crutchlow.
Barbera. If he was an American or racing in America, he’d be known as “The Heck”. He isn’t, so he isn’t. But at times he was the fastest Ducati rider right up until the race on Sunday. Probably the best ever at finding a tow during qualifying, and he’s on an Aprilia next season.
Aleix. See Pol.
Alvaro Bautista. Spain’s forgotten world champion somehow manages to be eternally upbeat and yet has ridden more dogs than (insert own joke here).
Eugene. Universally respected. But so was Jonathan Rea. Frustratingly overlooked for 2017. One of those riders who we just can’t poke fun at. Yet.
Petrux. Turned up at the start of the season with a haircut and looking fitter than a butcher’s dog. Then set about losing some fans by nerfing Redding off. Increased rivalry followed between the two. No matter the hair cut, still has the looks of 1970’s pornstar. Ahem.
Redding. He should be better than this season. But seemed to concentrate on his new range of clothing especially towards the end of the season. A ride with Abercrombie & Fitch beckons.
Bradl. He beat Marc Marquez to a Moto2 crown once. What followed is a perfect illustration of MotoGP life being madly unfair.
Brad Smith. The Jimmy Somerville lookalike rides a lot faster than his doppelganger, but probably doesn’t sing as well. Or as high. KTM in 2017 will be his saviour. He hopes.
Jack ‘the mullet’ Miller. One of the best winners in 2016. The antipodean shackle dragger no doubt has as much fun in his motorhome as he does on his bike.
Pirro. Better than expected. And as a stand-in rider what did have to lose? Well working for an Italian company, there’s always that thing about a horse’s head in your bed. So the boy done well.
Baz. The lanky lad has the perpetual smile of someone who knows it’s all a game really, and can’t quite believe he’s playing it.
Rabat. Oh dear. Like Bradl, he was a Moto2 champion. We think he does so many laps because he’s actually trying to work out what used to make him so fast, but doesn’t now. However, any sympathy we have for any rider is balanced by the fact he has a shed load more money than us. Except Gareth.
Yonny. Genuinely can’t think of anything witty (no surprise there then – Ed) apart from Columbian marching powder jokes. How about “he can wash it quicker than a bent accountant”?
If time allows before testing, we will throw a caustic glance over Moto2 and Moto3
Happy New Year to all of you, riders included.
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